Jokes!
by LAz » Sun 11 Jun 2006 01:54
I think that the Joke Master needs his title back.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: Bob was standing over my shoulder while
I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the ODD numbered lines.
The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president
of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head
of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn.
He orders a soda.
"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.
Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to
alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're
gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to
order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low
I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in
Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that
every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my
brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the
man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and
ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd
just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a
lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While
rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the
lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make
the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with
a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the
finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of
Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered
their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a
long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're
going to have to pee in the boat."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up
the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first".
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: Bob was standing over my shoulder while
I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the ODD numbered lines.
The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president
of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head
of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn.
He orders a soda.
"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.
Guinness replies, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to
alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're
gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to
order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low
I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in
Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that
every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my
brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the
man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and
ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd
just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a
lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While
rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the
lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make
the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with
a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the
finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of
Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered
their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a
long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're
going to have to pee in the boat."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up
the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first".
- LAz
- Joke Master
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Sun 11 Jun 2006 01:08
by LAz » Mon 12 Jun 2006 04:36
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be
replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be
replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru.
- LAz
- Joke Master
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Sun 11 Jun 2006 01:08
but i'll read it all... later. by Sunich » Fri 16 Jun 2006 20:31
You think you have the worst job possible?
http://infostore.org/info/1022540/job1.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022541/job2.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022542/job3.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022543/job4.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022544/job5.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022546/job6.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022547/job7.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022540/job1.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022541/job2.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022542/job3.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022543/job4.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022544/job5.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022546/job6.jpg
http://infostore.org/info/1022547/job7.jpg
-
Sunich - VIP
- Posts: 471
- Joined: Wed 16 Nov 2005 21:56
- Location: Kyiv, Ukraine
by LAz » Wed 12 Jul 2006 03:53
Pifou wrote:LAz wrote:I think that the Joke Master needs his title back.
Thank you very much Mr Joke Master...
You made me laugh a lot... lol
Pif
That will be 10 euro cents per line of joke. SO the longer jokes cost more, the shorter ones cost less, savvy????
(joking, lol)
So here are two jokes now. The squeemish be warned, seriously.
Okay, so one day Hicksly Bill went up to the room, where his wife was in bed.
He also brought a sheep to.
When he got there he said "honey, this is the pig that I sleep with when you are not feeling well."
His wife says, you moron, that is a sheep, not a pig.
And then Billy looks up and says... I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.
Okay, so one day Billy's son Jack, got a job. It is going well. He works as a snow plow person, so he moves snow.
One day his neighbor hires him and well, he does a superb job, making the neighbor very happy. The neighbor tells him how happy he is, but says that he missed a couple spots.
Well, you see, that is the spot where I first made love...
The neighbor is touched by the story, and asks about the second spot.
Well, that was where her mother watched us as we did it.
The neighbor is shocked, and wants to know more, what did she say?
"BBBBBAAAAAAAAAAA"
- LAz
- Joke Master
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Sun 11 Jun 2006 01:08
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